NBC Page Program Interview Question

I’m very #unemployed right now and recently applied for a position at NBC.

One of the questions in the application process asked, “What characters, hosts, shows, from NBC have influenced you? How?”

Here’s my response:

This may be a controversial choice, nevertheless, Late Night with Conan O’ Brien changed my life.

I remember the first time I ever watched it: the year was 1998 and I was having a sleep over in my basement with my best friend who had discovered Conan only a few nights before. He suggested we watch it, and me, being the spineless 10-year-old that I was, obliged his request.

It was love at first sight. Conan came out onto the stage for the opening monologue and performed his patented “string dance”. As an avid Simpson’s fan (for whom Conan had written years before) I was well acquainted with the cartoonish “shtick” of such a performance, but seeing a non-cartoon, tall, pasty, red-floppy-haired, human nerd act like a marionette made my mind explode.

My classmates had always considered me to be kind of funny (mostly because I looked, and still look, like an actual leprechaun). After seeing becoming an avid Conan fan, though, my comedic arsenal took a much needed turn for the better. I became a performer–some might call it a “class clown”.

Fast forward three years: I’m in Jr. high school and in need of some new friends. That year, I had upped my game to include impressions, dancing and, of course, new jokes. My afore mentioned friend, who is a grade older than me, had won the “class clown award” the year before, and insisted that I better step up my game if I wanted to follow suit…and you better bet I did! We both won the class clown that year and in our yearbook picture, we did our best impression of Conan’s “Masturbating Bear” character. That picture still exists the Riverview Jr. High School yearbook for 2001-2002.

Now, as a grown boy, I have my own, flawless marionette impression–one that sickens all who witness it. At night, after I’ve put on my old-timey pajamas and sleeping cap, and after I lay down next to my forever-sleep-over buddy (i.e. my wife) I fall asleep and drift into dreams of writing for SNL or having my own talk show on NBC. Conan got me through some actual tragedies along with some less important, more angsty-teen types of set backs.

I’ll forever be grateful to NBC for giving that noodle-of-a man a chance. In the words of that Conan O’Brien robot impression, “NBC… I LOVE YOU”.

The End

Simple Math

How Did Donald J. Trump Just Become President!?

Many of us are asking this question. Well, the answer is this: simple math.

Depending on what your definition of “White” is, according to the 2010 Census, White Americans are anywhere from 63 to 72% of the population. Why such a large margin? Because it all depends on how you fill out your US Census. That “Non-Hispanic or Latino” portion really throws a lot of people off, for some reason.

Like many Millenials, I watched the news of the debate last night whilst scouring Twitter to see what others were saying, every step of the way. When I awoke this morning (the day after the election), I went straight to my phone to see if it was all a nightmare; but it wasn’t. DJ Trump is an awful reality. (p.s. patent pending on “DJ Trump”!)

I read so many Tweets talking about how White people were to blame for all of this–and that’s true! Here’s why: If DJ Trump didn’t get White people to vote for him, then he wouldn’t have won! You can’t win the Presidency of the United States with 30% of the votes–it’s just not going to happen! DJ Trump, as dumb as he may seem, knew that simple equation and pandered to the Whites.

Hillary Clinton, that doe-eyed optimist, put her faith in the votes of the minority, counting on White people to fall in line. I literally LOLed when I typed that last sentence because it’s been clear to me, for a while now, that you can NEVER COUNT ON WHITE PEOPLE!

What’s Wrong With Whites?

Well, to start, we’re all born evil–completely dark inside–our veins running with hatred–our white skin shining with a nationalistic glow–and in our minds: the depths of hell itself.  Some of you may be thinking, “But wait, nobody is BORN evil”. But you’d be wrong to think so!

Throughout the entire History of White people, what makes you think any differently? We are genetically predisposed to do one thing: conquer. We’ve been trying it for our entire existence, and not jus the British–all the other Whites, too! Historically, most genocides were directly started or influenced by our ancestors.

Ancient Romans were White and they did some unspeakable things, including the killing of one Jewish Prophet by the name of Jeshua, now, more popularly known as Jesus Christ (his name in Latin, the Roman language). The Romans, too, had one goal: to conquer.

I’m clearly not a historian, but Whites have been on the conquest for a long time now. How do I know? Well, here’s a list of places where White people have successfully, at least for a time, conquered: Africa (yep, the whole continent), South East Asia, India, Pacific Islands, North America, Middle America, South America, Australia, Europe and the Middle East (still trying to conquer this one, aren’t we?)

White people are obsessed with war–it runs within the sinews of our culture. I think it comes from being born entirely evil, hating one’s self and taking that hatred out on others. Ya’ know, like a bully!


Here’s the thing: all of the wars fought over land, classism, racism, sexism, religion, commodities and goods will need to halt. The people of this Earth should have one priority: this Earth!

Just look at it!

I’ve watched the above video approximately 15 times today, and each time I get the shivers! Wildlife doesn’t exist independent of the human race– we’re an integral part within it! How can we let that go!? Isn’t this Earth what we’ve been fighting for all this time in the first place!? If it’s gone, who will we fight!? Why will we fight!? White people, listen to me, I know you love to fight, and there’s nothing more satisfying than watching others lose–even more satisfying than watching yourself win! But you’ll have no one to lose to and no land to conquer if you don’t start, right now, making the necessary adjustments needed by big businesses in order to save our planet!

I know. That’s not where you thought this post was going–but here we are! Saving our environment should be our number one priority. Changing our current energy sources over to renewable options creates tons of jobs. The only way this can be accomplished is if we bind our vocal chords together and create a voice that won’t go unheard (this is, obviously, metaphorical. Please don’t actually bind your vocal chords together…). Politicians can be easily manipulated by the masses–the most precious thing to them, more precious than money, is power, and they get that with your vote. Some politicians have figured out that they can get your vote and take money from big businesses. This results in policy changes that are influenced by white men who sit as board members for large conglomerates, instead of average everyday citizens like you and I.


Now, maybe you’re Glen Beck and you think that Global Warming is a hoax. Even though it’s not, ask yourself this: do you really think that destroying the rain forests, pumping horrible gasses and chemicals into the air we breath, the water we drink and the dirt we dig is goodfor the planet!?!?!? Maybe you think that this Earth is too magnificent to be destroyed by man. Maybe you think that your God(s) wouldn’t allow that. Well,  maybe you’re right. But if you look into what we’re doing to this planet currently, there’s no denying that we could make great improvements, regardless of whether or not climate change exists (which, again, it does!)  Let’s simplify even further: would you rather live in a messy home or a clean one? What if, there were some certain people on Wall Street who had a financial interest in keeping your home dirty–would you by angered by that!? Would you want to do something about it!? Or would you just lie down, take in one last asbestus-filled breathe and let it happen?

Maybe, since we’re the main culprits in creating this huge mess, we can, with the help of all of Earth’s children, clean it up and possibly, just maybe, redeem ourselves. Maybe, after coming together to save the billions upon billions of living things on this planet, we Whites will experience the tiniest feelings of empathy and sympathy for others. Maybe, after cleaning up our own literal garbage from off this planet, we’ll start to realize that this is a pretty amazing place! Maybe, after a 5,000 year-long conquest, we’ll finally learn to live and let live.

Do something about it today, even if it’s something small.